LOVING one person is enough work. If you love one, or two more people, it gets harder to make the relationship work, and a guide might be nice.
During a talk for Pride Month on June 26 called “#SEATED: Conversations around creating Kinder, Safer, and Stronger Online Spaces for the LBGTQ+ Community Together,” dating app Bumble and Metro Manila had a segment about navigating open relationships. LGBTQ+ activist Ging Cristobal shared her insights about the work that goes into open relationships, and if it’s right for a person.
“We normalize monogamy, meaning you just love only one person; ‘’til death do us part,’” she said. “You can be in an open relationship,” she said, defining it as usually a romantic or a sexual relationship that can be with one person or many others. “The caveat here is: (but) with permission from your partners,” she said.
Meanwhile, she defines the differences between a polyamorous relationship and an open one, which have been used interchangeably. “In polyamorous relationships, you commit to love multiple partners equally,” she said. She says that open and polyamorous relationships have several variations: sometimes, only one person is open. “You can have a primary partner, and the others are your secondary partners – equally.” The key is consent: Ms. Cristobal says that while these relationships are non-monogamous, these are “both consensual and ethical” (as opposed to flat out cheating on your partner).
The key to finding out if an open relationship is right for someone is, “You really have to ask yourself.”
“In a long-term relationship, you develop different needs over time, and sometimes, the interest would wane,” she said. “We also have to face the fact that people have their needs met by more than one person,” she said, citing examples of some people having strengths another doesn’t have, or else more comfortable discussions with somebody else.
“It puts too much pressure on your partner if you expect them to be the one to complete everything that your heart desires. We are all broken human beings, and sometimes, you just don’t want to be honest about it, but we look for something that fills the void — which is really wrong sometimes. Well, most of the time,” she said.
In entering ethically non-monogamous relationships, one needs to set rules and boundaries. In the sitcom Schitt’s Creek, David Rose allows his partner Patrick to go on a date with someone new, but sits at home stewing with anxiety. His sister, Alexis, says, “This is why you have ground rules, David! Josh Groban has a thick, leather-bound binder full of them.”
The rules differ from one relationship to another, but Ms. Cristobal suggests setting clear rules about sex (and safety during the act, like discussing the use of protection), privacy, and prioritizing a partner. These work only if one is upfront and honest with communicating needs and boundaries. “Will you be brave enough to admit to your partner that you’re not meeting eye-to-eye?” she said. “Boundaries are a request for collaboration and cooperation, while demands – it’s about control so that you feel you won’t get hurt.”
She also advises questioning oneself and having a truthful answer to what one wants and feels about going open. “Do it for the right reasons,” she said. She adds that people in these relationships should avoid jealousy, and especially using that jealousy as a card during disagreements. People who are in these relationships should set clear parameters, as well as regularly evaluating their experiences to see if it’s working. “You really have to talk about your needs, and communicate,” she said. “If it’s not working for you, you have to end it, because your resentment will just grow.”
“The reality is that we have more fulfilling and long-lasting relationships when we seek self-expansion or mutual growth of both ourselves and partners,” she said.
DATING SAFELY
Meanwhile, Lucille McCart, Bumble APAC Communications Director, laid down her own tips for dating safely while using the app. “We really want to create a safe space for people to connect and find love. We do know through our research that when you have low levels of self-love, you are willing to accept less; you are valuing less what you can bring to a relationship.”
These dating safety tips include starting with a video chat, and vetting someone through online sources. “Do not be afraid to be a bit of a stalker on social media. Look someone up, their LinkedIn, their Instagram; look up whatever you need to make sure that you really feel like you know who it is you’re going to meet. If you get a bad feeling about it from anything that you see, you don’t have to go on this date,” said Ms. McCart.
She adds that one should trust their instincts, and for added measure, to tell someone about the place they’re going. One should also be careful around alcohol consumption, possibly bring a friend, and ensure a method of transportation to and from a date. She also says that one should know their own boundaries — advice that rings true both for safe dating and ethical non-monogamy.
“If something doesn’t feel right, remember: you don’t have to do it,” she said. — J.L.G.